Over the decades, there have been many incidents that I've tried to forget, forgive, let go of. I've tried every method I could find to do this; ho'oponopono, putting people in a circle of pink love, writing letters to them that I burned, saying my forgiveness out loud. You name it, I've tried it.
What's puzzled me is that sometimes this has worked and sometimes it hasn't.
For some of these events and people, I can't seem to get them out of my head; the incidents haunt me, the last words we spoke burn through me like fire. Even when I thought I had forgiven every speck of my own actions and intentions towards them.
One of these things in particular, the oldest incident, actually, happened when I was in grade school in North Carolina. My dad had just taken a University job in Florida, and so we were moving. I was just turning ten, and finishing fourth grade. I hated even the thought of leaving my beloved Asheville and those beautiful mountains. I cried a lot and schemed to find someone with whom I could live with and stay behind.
My dad didn't buy it.
Miserable, I announced one day at school that I was leaving and wouldn't ever see any of my classmates again. My school was small; there was only one classroom per grade, so I'd been with these same people most of my school career, and we all knew each other. When I made my announcement, I secretly hoped that everyone would weep and moan and tear their clothes to show me how upset they all were to lose me.
Instead, the bully and his toady turned on me and sneered, "Great! We'll finally be rid of you!" and laughed. I was crushed. No one really said much, and the few of my classmates I have run into later in life didn't remember me.
For whatever reason, this scene has stuck with me for four and a half decades. I've really tried to get rid of it, to shake it, and I couldn't figure out why it wouldn't go away, no matter how many prayers or ho'oponopono sessions I did on these two to forgive them and let them go and let this rest, it just stuck with me. I couldn't figure it out, and it was really driving me crazy! What kind of shamanic person am I if I can't figure this one out?
The other day, I was meditating and being still, and this incident and a few others came up in my mind. In that moment, I realized something: that my classmates had perhaps been abandoned by parents or a loved one before this, and that my announcement might have been just one more abandonment, one more destabilizing of their lives by altering the status quo. Could it be, possibly, that they were upset that I was leaving, that I was seen as the abandoner, and anger was the only way to cover up their hurt?
Whether this is true or not is not the point. However, I realized that the one thing I'd never done to any of these people with whom I still felt I had unfinished business was to say, specifically, "I'm sorry that I withheld my love from you in that moment." In each of the incidents, those ever present moments I couldn't shake, I'd closed off the flow of love, and had never re-opened it to that person.
When I realized this, I immediately took myself back to that event, brought these two little boys up in my mind's eye after the hateful words had just been spoken, and re-imagined it right up until the moment before I received my hurt, and said to them both, "I'm so sorry that I even thought about withholding my love from you two just now; my love continues", and then I mentally turned my love faucet back on and let it flow, seeing my love flow to them without interruption, and continually down all these years since into their present adulthood.
Maybe they don't remember this little moment between us. It doesn't matter. From that moment on, this event was truly finished for me.
Since then, I've done this with dozens and dozens of these incidents, and what I find is that it doesn't matter what was done to me; the hurts that I've received and various ill treatment. In each moment, the only thing that matters is what I do when it comes to using the power of my love. My life-changing choice is about how I use my greatest power.
I've never seen this written about in precisely this way, nor have I heard it spoken about, but I think it's big. Please try this and let me know how this works for you.
Being a true Gemini, he has two websites, www.shining-mountain.com and www.waterwillowmoon.com
He owns waaay too many books for his own good.